trying to find the willpower to lose weight…

I’m going to start to blog about my quest to lose weight and get trim, flexible and strong. I’m coming out of a dark space at the moment, with being feverish, dental stuff, and low energy. And I noticed that this is not a new pattern, although I don’t record it, so I don’t know the shape of the pattern, just run away from it as fast as I can when I start emerging. Which, thankfully, is happening now.

So, I’m up earlyish, prepped for work, got some paperwork done on my projects (but I’m way behind, have to catch up when I’m off tomorrow).

And the key thing I just did is I deleted the two fitness apps I’ve decided to use, and I’m starting over.
Easy 5K with Jeff Galloway – Couch to 5K
Spitfire Athlete – weightlifting for women

I’ve noticed, on this lose weight – fitness – get healthy journey, that if I haven’t been consistent with an app or a habit, I find myself giving up. Open the app, and there are my results from 5 weeks ago. Understandably, few apps have an erase and start again button. But, I think it’s better to do that than to look at what I was doing and feel demotivated because it was so long ago.

Another thing I’ve learned is that I need to try to get to the gym to lift weights during lunch. It’s daunting – I just have an hour. But to be realistic, by the time I get to the gym after work – typically around 9:15, there are enormous guys lifting at the free weight machines that I’m supposed to use. So I end up kind of lost, trying to at least use the regular free weights, and not feeling as if I’ve done what I’m supposed to.

And since lifting feels good when I do it on a schedule, I want to get back on schedule. So, a run and yoga this morning, and I’m going to make the attempt to go to the gym at lunch, workout, shower and head back to work.

The upside is, if this works, it’s just 3 days a week. And, it also means that I can walk home after work without having to go to the gym first, or if I run this morning, I can take the train.

The point of this post is to remind myself that it’s okay to start over, and if a specific time isn’t working, try a different time.


my real name (writing prompt)

First Exercise (10 minutes)

My real name is buried deep on a farm filled with brambles with razor-sharp grey thorns. The silt path to the place my name is buried is thin and winds between each towering bramble. One wrong step will bring you to ruin, since beneath the thorn-clouds there are hidden mud traps to catch virgins and the unwary.

My real name is in a strong box, iron-grey, corroded with the earth’s sweat. I put it there in secret, millennia ago. I laugh when I read books in the modern tongue, on that narrow shelf they call fantasy, when they make blithe statements like ‘the wizard has lived for millennia’. Idiots and assholes all, they have no idea what that means. They have no path to understanding the slow trickle of a moment, a year, or a day. I sucked in those moments, like an infant at the breast. Each one has a space in my mind’s eye and I am transported back, all unwillingly, at the trigger of a smell, the downward shift of cloth on long, long legs in a tousled bed, the hot salt musk of blood in the center of my tongue.


the imprecision of memory

Perhaps it’s too soon to say this, but I like that I don’t have a great memory for the pasts’ small specifics.

The downside is that I admire people who seem to carry all of their life experience, in detail, in their heads. I don’t. And I’m not even motivated to try.

Probably making a virtue out of necessity, but, it makes finding little dated doodles like this more fun. I think I remember the circumstances, but they have changed so substantially that, despite my naming this piece boredom, any reasons I may have had to be bored have fallen by the wayside, and, in the best possible sense, my life has no place in it at all for boredom.